Ok...Act Surprised...

Look...I am gonna give it to you straight...

You have a SHITload of clothes waiting for you here on the outside!

I don't know what happened, but you mother has become a baby-jumper-buying maniac! I'm a little worried for her feelings when you get out here and become capable of articulating that you want a Metallica T-shirt. Don't worry...I'll back you up, but we have to have a plan to make Mom think you like this stuff.

The following is my guide to prepare you for what is sure to be a long life of navigating the dangerous waters of difference between your Mother's fashion taste and your own*:

1) Act Surprised.

Your Mom made you a closet today. You now officially have more closet space than I do. You have all sorts of clothes...dresses, hoodies, booties, hats, scarves, a Prada clutch... You have a damned good wardrobe already. Don't tell her I told you, but act surprised when you see them. (I liked the little sweater with the different colors on it. Very "Grunge Rocker."

2) Make a big deal about the buttons.

Your Mom is bananas over any item of clothing that has buttons on it. Or pockets. Seriously. She breaks out in little assholes and shits all over. Bonkers. She loves them. Every time she shows me a new item of your clothing, she is all squeally and says, "look at the little BUTTONS." Your "crazy uncle" Scott** thinks that it's because the Dutch spend most of their time relatively naked and so buttons are a kind of novelty to them. I actually think it's because buttons and pockets are small and, right now, your Mommy's head is programmed to regard all small things as "cute." I will explain our species in a later post, but I think humans developed this way so we would keep taking care of you even if you cry a lot.

3) Let her do a baby fashion show

As a child of mine, I know that you will like to be in the spotlight if and ONLY IF it's on your terms. Otherwise, you are likely to be a bit shy about the whole thing. The fact of the matter is, though, that your Mother is going to want to show off how cute these little clothes look on you. Take this in stride and smile for the camera. People may make odd sounds, but that's just because they may not know how to talk to you like your Mom or I do. Just smile a lot and don't worry about the various baby talk jibber jabber. If you really feel like you have had enough, simply poop your pants and the show will end. (In fact, you can almost be guaranteed that this will ALWAYS get you out of uncomfortable social situations...though it could create different ones as you begin to age.)

That's pretty much it. When you want to come out, we have you covered. Just...don't let on that I told you. That really pushes your Mom's buttons.***

* If you wind up being a girl, that is. If you wind up being a boy, you will likely be satisfied with her buying your tighty-whities well into your university years...if you decide you want to go to university. No pressure.

** No relation to me, baby, so fear not. I will explain about the "crazy aunt and uncle" phenomenon in a later post.

*** Yes. As an official "father," I am destined to make awful pun-filled jokes for the rest of my days. Not only do I know this, I am actually looking forward to embarrassing you in front of your friends with it when you are about 13. It will be payback for me having to tell your Mom how "cute" these clothes are.